With all the sneezing, water bottle sharing, heaving, and “sick” absences recently. Let’s get to the real gist of why your “sick” excuse isn’t fooling anyone. We’ve all been there- waking up on a school day realizing you’d rather face a room full of awkward silences than your classmates. And what trick do you try and pull? The oldest one in the book: fake being sick. NEWS FLASH: that “I’m so sick” excuse you’re using? Isn’t fooling anyone. Coming in hot, #1 you’ve used “stomach flu” so many times, it should have its own desk. By now, the “stomach flu” is a regular guest at school. It’s become its own being. Last week, your teammate used it to get out of basketball practice and the week before your classmate used it to avoid the math test. It’s overdone and has become meaningless. You’ve done it so much that the phrase should come with a disclaimer: not related to any real symptoms, just an excuse to binge-watch Netflix all day and avoid the chemistry test. #2 Your “sick voice” sounds like you just ate a bag of gravel. The thing is, when you get sick, your voice does a flip and drops down 14 octaves. Really cute, huh? You call in with the “sick voice” and it’s dead giveaway. It sounds like you just finished singing karaoke and accidentally inhaled a whole pack of cigarettes. Last but certainly not least. #3 You’ve already sent the “I’m sick” text, but the problem is your Instagram story is full of pics from last night's party. You’re sick but why does your Instagram show you eating pizza with 15 other people at 2 a.m. last night. Let me guess you were “sick” but somehow managed to Instagram the whole event. How does that work, tell me your secrets? You’re “sick” on your couch but also posting live updates of your wild night out? So, next time you try to pull the “I’m sick” excuse, just know we’re all in on it. We can hear the gravel in your voice, we’ve seen Instagram stories from last night’s rager of the year, and the stomach flu excuse, just know it has worked overtime so many times, it’s basically on paid sick leave. It’s clocking in and out like it’s got a 9 to 5 job. At this rate you should start sending it a paycheck for all its hard work. These excuses are clocked out. If you’re going to fake being sick, at least do it with some originality or better yet just own it. Maybe tell us you’re “sick of school,” because honestly, we’re all feeling that one.
Asriel Schuh
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